HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Lucky old June.
I don’t know what to do
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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