good for her
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands