You Might Also Like
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean