We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent