[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
This hospital has everything
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me