You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Aight bet
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.