Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.