*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?