“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.