me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
i think both sides are to blame here
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]