why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
You Might Also Like
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.