a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute