They got Raph!
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Sunday
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Quadruple digit IQ
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Meow
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat