“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Sunday