[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
forgive me baja for i have blast
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Terribly Tuesday.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.