Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?