Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
j o i m p
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.