listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
never ask a starfish for directions
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.