FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.