Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
How do you milk an almond?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Who did it better?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore