I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
How it started: How it’s going:
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.