put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.