WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me trying to reach for my goals
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
This is sending me to another galaxy
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.