Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Cake safety first. Always.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’d … I’d rather not.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!