Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.