Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
R.I.P.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Just grow your own
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters