My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
But that’s none of my business
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*