Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
You Might Also Like
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
im 7 sauces long
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.