“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth