Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Can. I. Help. You.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
LMAO.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.