Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral