There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Guy who likes music
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay