Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving