I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This is true.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames