Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
won’t smith
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.