Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m crying im so happy for them
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
never forget
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!