A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.