😂😂😂😂😂😂
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Google assistant rules
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.