My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Sunday
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.