HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga