No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?