Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
This is true.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?