ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂