Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
accurate
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.