Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*