[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
based al yankovic
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died