I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.