Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You Might Also Like
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch