Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.