Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please